Don't. Not ever again.

Don't say Hi,

I might say hi back to you.

Let the heart shout right now

Go away you. Or I'll cage you in my memories

Don't talk to me,

I might laugh at your silly jokes.

Let the breath break into sobs

Go away you, Or I'll bind you in my words.

Don't look me in the eye,

I might find the blue in them pretty.

Let the nights turn unbearably cold

Go away you, Or I'll etch your face in my eyes

Don't ever meet me again

I might again forget self for you

Let the hopes shatter into pieces

Go away you, Or I'll keep keep you against your will

A home away from home- The Happy Blog

A home away from home,

A life very new from the one I lived

Friends so different from the once I loved

Discovering new people, new roles and strengths,

I am glad I came this far from my mother land.

I never gave a serious thought to living away from home. I never really imagined that that will ever be needed. I am a girl who always prioritized family over friends, and so never really knew how it would be to live so far away from one.

I am writing today not because the life with parents is easy, there were always other things to worry about then. But writing today because living away from home has been a different (and till now cherished) experience altogether.

A bucket of regrets from the past

A string of memories of the bygones

Whole lot of loves that never materialized

Keeping myself strong in those soul crushing nights

All left behind, I am glad I came this far from my beloved land

The city that I am living in is pretty awesome in a lot of senses. Totally scary autowallas, traffic jam packed roads (awfully polluted ones at that). But “Mah LYf MaH RuLezZ” truly makes sense here. People are less judgmental, they are freer, they are “work hard and party harder” kind of people.  Or the fact is that there are just more people of my age category.

Probably it is all of this, or it is that I just became a free bird, with no restriction of timelines whatsoever, because hey “I just discovered the Ola Cab App”. That, and the fact that all the places from the troublesome, full of not so wonderful memories, distracting past are far away. And all the complex equations just dissolved due to the distance. All the “log kya sochenge” after a failed effort, though still are there, are very far away now.

Those strangely comforting words from a loving Dad

Those "I'll slap you if you'll cry again" handholds from a strong mother

Those surprise chocolates from a very thoughtful brother

Those mature lectures from a younger sister (Is she smart or is she smart!)

All of it cherished, I am glad I have them in this faraway land

I am happy, parents are happier that I am getting to work hard. I had counted on few people to be family in a sans family city, but I found the emotional independence before I even got there(I am discovering more of it). I realized a lot of other great strengths

  1. I can shop for Groceries, as perfectly as my parents did.

 2. I can keep a neat home, as meticulously neat as unknown gnomes kept  my          previous one

 3. I can negotiate with maids, and electricians and plumbers and ...

 4. I clean my own laundry, and then iron it.

 5. I can manage mornings without Mom having to bark out my name

 6. I can manage to fall ill without cribbing about it to parents.

 7. I can love my siblings better than when I was with them

 8. I can survive without Maggi and Ma.

 9. I can.

I am sure everybody else can do it too and not feel the need to write about it or feel extremely happy about it. Maybe because either they can’t write, or they don’t feel happy about it, or both (get the pun? No, ok!)

But yay I am happy, and yay that I am writing a happy blog after so long. And yay I have finally learnt to gather good people around me. And yay I have overcome the rotten past. And yay to awesome room-mates (You two make the dinner time a look forward to event) and yay to awesome team-mates (only few of them). Yay to Ola cabs (I wasn’t paid to advertise), and yay to my new company (It feels awesome to work for you AND crib about it to parents) and yay to an extreme satisfaction of finding a home away from home.

Since an year before

You don’t worry my dear Mama,

I’ll rise again,

From the fallen ashes,

I’ll spark again.

I’ll spark to make you proud,

I’ll spark to mend your wounds,

I’ll spark to be in your old age,

I’ll spark again from my ruins.

An year before, I was mentally several years younger and significantly more naive than the woman I am today (an oxymoron, but true). I was in love, a lot, and further put into mess by an emotionally weak heart. Or at least I thought that I was, and I ended up wounded, scarred, financially broke, pathetic and entirely heartbroken.

But haven’t we all atleast once in our life? Haven’t we all atleast once thought that this is the worse it can get, and I don’t know how to get through this extremely exhausting phase of life. Haven’t we all wondered then, that as if we are stuck in this mess since forever and for forever?

Love (arguably) means giving out your best to that love, layer by layer peeling open your cocoon to do so, just because you believe that “love interest” deserves the best. It is the most vulnerable situation you put yourself in. Scary, risky, unknown and unpredictable. And it’s not until we’re truly charred by it that we realize that it was the fragile heart that we risked.

But then why we find ourselves young, suddenly alone, and then in love again. Forgotten about the effort it required to be in that kind of love, the investment required to nurture it, and (forgive the MBA Terms) absolutely zero guaranteed returns. Maybe because, once there, we suddenly notice that vigorously thumping heart. Suddenly, we realize just how much alive that thumping can feel.

In this last year, I have been crazy in love, multiple times, with anything that I could hold onto to let go of the previous love (a vicious cycle). Sometimes romantically, sometimes passionately. And in love… not just with people, I have fallen in love with organizations, with ideas, sometimes with money, once with the idea of being the best daughter, and other times with fame.

And all of the above love(s), unarguably, turned into an ex. I remember that frenzy to attain that love, those tears on failing, that clutching my hair and crying in absolute desperation, to plan again for next move, to rehearse the dialogues, to finally giving up on one love and moving onto another.

In those months of darkness, when I supposed I was at my weakest, I rose stronger. Not to forget the people I clinched onto to make me strong, I had become an emotional fungus, depended emotionally on people other than family for sustenance. God bless them.

But today, suddenly I don’t regret falling and failing repeatedly in love. It taught me what it means to give all of you to somebody, or something, wholeheartedly. I learned how to try, fail, and try again with scratches on your heart.

I learned to appreciate confusion and desperation. Desperation brings out the best in people, makes them comfortable with themselves, their own thoughts. I learnt to appreciate silence, to spend time inside of my own head. I learned how to drink an entire bottle of wine by myself, and I learned how to put the glass of wine down.

I learned how to live my life without regrets, just let everything be on the table of past, and accept that it will be there forever, like some shining old antique. I have learned how to fall graciously after a leap of faith goes wrong.

I might have been given nothing but darkness to start with, But now I realize I was given an opportunity to be a better, stronger person. I was given the opportunity to make myself worthwhile to those who matter to me, I was given a chance to realize what actually mattered to me. I was given the opportunity to mend my own heart back together.

And now I know that life happens, Disappointments burn you, put your world to darkness, but you keep lighting matches anyway. And you got to find the parts of you to put back together from those ashes, and you got to move on and give yourself a second chance, with a heart that is stronger than before.