(Ek saccchi kahani par adharit)
Though it was not what we call a marriage of dreams, but it was my marriage none the less. I remember taking the vows of marriage, the promise to give everything to the man beside me, of loving him like I have loved none other, the feeling of absolute love and tenderness, relentless support, and unconditional togetherness. And in return, I knew I’ll get what I will give him, love, support, togetherness and a family. It would be peace, serenity, love and home all around.
Marriage happened, but togetherness and love were still missing. All that was there was a vicious cycle. The complaints led to adjustments, which led to resentment, leading to bitterness. The bitterness led to still more complaints, adjustments and resentment. All hell broke loose when this vicious cycle led to manhandling, a few other women in his life and curse words from in-laws.
Divorce was not an option I considered, I still thought of him as my husband, as he was the only man I had loved in life. And further, divorce doesn’t remain an option when you remember the efforts your parents put in to see you get married and settled, the nights they spent in preparation, the prayers they spent in hopes to see me happy, the lifetime of savings they spent to pay the dowry, and all other assets given to me in ‘gift’.
But as they say, a union in marriage becomes stronger when flowers spring from it. The birth of a child from the union of marriage nourishes its roots, and like water and sun together, parents come together to nurture the child, growing fond and caring for each other too in the process.
Therefore despite the weak marriage and broken relationship, I went against my own wishes, threw away the precautions and became pregnant. But I guess they forgot to mention that it had to be a boy to make marriage work. A girl would make the cracks wider still, and be a catalyst in it blasting into pieces.
Lying in hospital bed for 3 days, I waited for someone to visit and congratulate me on my motherhood, I didn’t know then that since I was a mother of a girl child, I was no more welcome in my marital house.
The questions and dilemmas in life have a way. They creep in when you are the weakest, make you think, cry, they keep you awake at nights, leaving you hungerless and powerless. They make you look for someone to talk to. When you find no one to guide you, they make you weaker still, and that is when you are tempted to give up what is right, and turn towards what is easier.
I dueled for days with the idea of leaving my baby behind, in the orphanage, and going back to the only man in life. It would have been easier to do so, forgetting my child, turning away from her, leaving her to the hands of destiny. I wouldn’t then ever wonder what happened to her, or would I?
Or should I kill her, once and for all, and save her from the cruelties of the world. A world that did not love the likes of her. I wouldn’t be guilty of murdering my own child then, or would I?
Then again, when I say that dilemmas have their own way of making you weak, you still have a choice to deny that way, and do otherwise. Do what is easy to do, and it leaves you weaker still. Do what is right and should be done, and it makes you stronger to question the authenticity of such dilemmas in future.
How about if I leave that fruitless marriage, that unfaithful man, that ‘conditions apply’ love, and be faithful to my own child, my girl, who when grows up, may face a destiny similar to mine. Or would she have to face a destiny like mine? Exactly…NO!!
I’ll give you the best in my life and in my death.
If I have to, I’ll snatch n steal the gems of the world for you.
I’ll never bereave you of what you deserve to have and to be.
When you need it, I’ll give you the best in me
You’ll never be weak because you are a girl.
You’ll never be burden to anyone because you are a girl.
You’ll be intelligent, smart and self-dependent women,
The one, which will someday be to the world, what boys can never be.
