Since an year before

You don’t worry my dear Mama,

I’ll rise again,

From the fallen ashes,

I’ll spark again.

I’ll spark to make you proud,

I’ll spark to mend your wounds,

I’ll spark to be in your old age,

I’ll spark again from my ruins.

An year before, I was mentally several years younger and significantly more naive than the woman I am today (an oxymoron, but true). I was in love, a lot, and further put into mess by an emotionally weak heart. Or at least I thought that I was, and I ended up wounded, scarred, financially broke, pathetic and entirely heartbroken.

But haven’t we all atleast once in our life? Haven’t we all atleast once thought that this is the worse it can get, and I don’t know how to get through this extremely exhausting phase of life. Haven’t we all wondered then, that as if we are stuck in this mess since forever and for forever?

Love (arguably) means giving out your best to that love, layer by layer peeling open your cocoon to do so, just because you believe that “love interest” deserves the best. It is the most vulnerable situation you put yourself in. Scary, risky, unknown and unpredictable. And it’s not until we’re truly charred by it that we realize that it was the fragile heart that we risked.

But then why we find ourselves young, suddenly alone, and then in love again. Forgotten about the effort it required to be in that kind of love, the investment required to nurture it, and (forgive the MBA Terms) absolutely zero guaranteed returns. Maybe because, once there, we suddenly notice that vigorously thumping heart. Suddenly, we realize just how much alive that thumping can feel.

In this last year, I have been crazy in love, multiple times, with anything that I could hold onto to let go of the previous love (a vicious cycle). Sometimes romantically, sometimes passionately. And in love… not just with people, I have fallen in love with organizations, with ideas, sometimes with money, once with the idea of being the best daughter, and other times with fame.

And all of the above love(s), unarguably, turned into an ex. I remember that frenzy to attain that love, those tears on failing, that clutching my hair and crying in absolute desperation, to plan again for next move, to rehearse the dialogues, to finally giving up on one love and moving onto another.

In those months of darkness, when I supposed I was at my weakest, I rose stronger. Not to forget the people I clinched onto to make me strong, I had become an emotional fungus, depended emotionally on people other than family for sustenance. God bless them.

But today, suddenly I don’t regret falling and failing repeatedly in love. It taught me what it means to give all of you to somebody, or something, wholeheartedly. I learned how to try, fail, and try again with scratches on your heart.

I learned to appreciate confusion and desperation. Desperation brings out the best in people, makes them comfortable with themselves, their own thoughts. I learnt to appreciate silence, to spend time inside of my own head. I learned how to drink an entire bottle of wine by myself, and I learned how to put the glass of wine down.

I learned how to live my life without regrets, just let everything be on the table of past, and accept that it will be there forever, like some shining old antique. I have learned how to fall graciously after a leap of faith goes wrong.

I might have been given nothing but darkness to start with, But now I realize I was given an opportunity to be a better, stronger person. I was given the opportunity to make myself worthwhile to those who matter to me, I was given a chance to realize what actually mattered to me. I was given the opportunity to mend my own heart back together.

And now I know that life happens, Disappointments burn you, put your world to darkness, but you keep lighting matches anyway. And you got to find the parts of you to put back together from those ashes, and you got to move on and give yourself a second chance, with a heart that is stronger than before.

The Reality ate into Dreams.

The days went past in a crazy frenzy,
and yet they were the longest in ever.
The heart while shone in eternal happiness,
the mind was left alone to wander.
The wandering mind looked for console,
But there was only some to find.
The restless mind turned into a savage,
And gulped down what shone through the heart.
The mind now a filled beast
has left the heart crying forever.
The heart has nowhere to go, 
But who cares, its only the heart.
It will find its toys and play with them
all the while wondering if the shine would return.
The heart while would live on eternal hope,
The mind would find ways to sleep.
And so shall remain a soul sad forever
Cos he has neither the full heart nor an active mind to keep. 

Hold on your breath oh Universe! Change ahead...

I just got an email from a site, which allows you to write emails to the future you.

In that, I had written a lot of things that I was insecure about 2 years back, when it was my first day in the college. And I was surprised because all of those insecurities have come true. I am wondering if this is an extreme case of intuition gone right, or a case of presumptions beliefs and insecurities that you surround yourself creating a cloud of doubt and suspicion inside you to ruin you to the core, to the extent that your efforts seem dented and half-hearted.

In a book called Harry potter, I remember reading “Harry, never forget that what the prophecy said was only significant because Lord Voldemort made it so.” I can relate to it so much right now. It’s as if I had prophesized for myself, that these adversities will happen, and it’s as if I started acting on that same belief (that they will happen), and that belief ate up all my efforts, restricted my imagination of how not to let the Prophecy come true.

Similar to this, and from a totally unrelated sector, somebody recently told me how whatever you declare to the universe, comes true because universe conspires to make it happen. It’s as if I declared that I would fail, in relationships, in friendship, career-wise, and that insecurity made it happen.

I don’t know if you are able to relate to what I am saying, but I’ll end up on something that you might understand.

Take my advice, and don’t restrict yourself to the boundaries that a certain fear, an inferiority complex creates around you. Declare to the universe what you want, and if not the universe strives to make it happen, that declaration will atleast help you make it happen, to put in whole hearted efforts into that declaration. Pessimism has worked fine for me in the past; I always took the worst case scenario and strived to convert into the best case. But Pessimism could only bring me this far, now it has turned back onto me to leave me with “I am being victimized” attitude. Now it’s time for optimism, hope, passion and determination. I am not telling you to go into the war without a fall-back option, but I think fall-back options only keep you from making full efforts.

How I now wish I hadn’t thought of these adversities, then I wouldn’t have feared them, and I would have lived as a free bird, striving, taking each day as it comes. But I guess it’s never late to start with good habits…

In search for the lost something...

I'll find my strength, don't worry I'll pick myself up.

I was walking alone, so I fell and lost control, and that's just it.

I believe I had been stupid to think a mere stick of faith will take me through woods.

But don't worry about me, I shall be okay. I can walk well even after falling.

Though please look for my dream, I dropped it somewhere in the woods.

I believe it must be broken now, I toppled over it I think.

Although I don't have the strength to pick pieces of it bit by bit.

And I even don't know if I'll be happy without it by my side, in the night.

But I know I have to keep walking for the sake of it, 

And hopefully someday I'll see it again someday by my side.

It has been a season of failures, rejections and even heartbreaks for me. And you know you deserved it when the people who mentor you start pointing out mistakes and lacquinas in everything you do. You don't even get to blame the luck because hell, you know you went wrong at so many places when people warned you not to.

And this is not it! Turn to anyone for help in such dreadful season and you realize that there are not many who'll put up with your insecurities, or even put some consolation in your way. Not to mention the pricks who'll enjoy in your sufferings, probably even gloat of their achievements while all you are left to do is lick your wounds. Not even questioning the humane side of those who ruthefully declare you a failure, a loser, more hurting is the responses of those who have been there and done that, but they refuse to help blatantly enough, further rubbing the failure in your face. 

And that's where the life gets tougher, the plans go down the drain, and while everybody else is looking forward to moving on, you start to dread the farewell day, and wonder what should be the rescue plan.

Or should there be any rescue plan? Is it absolutely necessary for life to go on as you had planned? Is success elusive if I take a road that I never planned to? Do the dreams of success drift away with just a waft of failure?

I wonder what if I didn't have that dream in the first place, or if I had told it to not be so stubborn, and keep room for failures and setbacks with it. I wonder if I will be left to chase that stubborn dream forever now? Or if I will be able to catch up to it. Or if I will catch it, then I'll feel it, discard it and start chasing another one.

Just wondering how and when this turbulence is supposed to end, I have been working for it to end since very long. I hope that even if life can't give me my dream, my success, then atleast it shows the decency to give me strength and patience to work towards it.

I changed when….

Once upon a time I was a girl, a charming one people say. I changed into a teenager when the air of love flew in. Sweet smelling and strong, it helped me built the castles of dream on it. But those castles were built in the air, they broke.

I changed into a conscious and careful girl when they broke.

The conscious teenager entered into the big bad world outside school, and the air was now that of politics, mistrust and danger. Worries for future and expectations from parents infiltrated it. Along with it I could smell the play of power and the filthy game that it leads to. I was an aware but an insecure just out of my teens girl. I was now rebellious, desperate to make it out of this filth and into a prosperous world. With love-life put on hold, friends gone astray and college coming to an end, the air had become difficult to breathe in.

I changed when God gave me another chance, I changed into an optimistic girl.

 I now smiled, and made friends again. I had now come to trusting people again, sharing feelings was considered to be okay again. An acceptance had come to me that everything that happens is always for the “greater” good.

But change had to come again, I changed when I made a choice to leave that position of comfort.

I changed into a business woman when I traded that world of friends for a world of stretched limits, clever businessmen and new opportunities. People say it is a world where, you study the world and you study the self. You accept the weirdest, and question the simplest. I changed myself enough to fit into that world.

I am changing now, again. I am learning to do things for myself rather than to keep others happy. This learning has brought back the long lost sense of security, a sense of pride in self.

This change is the first of its types, which I have welcomed.

It has brought the belief that life was never meant to be fair, but that's why it is beautiful. I have realized that people will leave you heartbroken, not because they are ruthless, but because they never understood what you expected out of them.

Oh what a relief it was to realize that Its okay to cry for the ones gone. Its easy to move on when done so without resentments.

Resentment is good too, only till it doesn’t break you down into pieces. Its okay to be selfish, it’s okay to be weird, and want things that others never dreamt of.

Its okay to let go of the rotten past. I realized, in the 6 years that I have feared my future, the past never mirrored the future, my life has never shown me days I have always been worried of. And my failures of the past have not crept into the present yet.  

I guess there have to be new beginnings every time season changes, there are new friends every time old ones are lost, the heart always finds new loves to toy around when the ex’s break your heart, there are new bosses waiting to dictate new terms when the old one throws you out.

He always has the Plan B for us if one doesn’t work out, or maybe it’s the way we are, that we figure out new ways to make everything right.

I am just looking to making everything "right" now, and writing this has just put everything into perspective.

And hence leave you with this wonderful song.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4VEAh1-kpU

When all things dear in the world were lost

There was a world where tying rakhies to guys not our brothers was easy.
There was a time when friendship happened with just a shake of hands.
There were days when crying for the one you love was not a shame.
There were days when asking for help was done without much fretting over.

Calling friends, going to their place, dancing, eating chocolates, everything was just so much easier to do. There were no second thoughts about one’s intention, no doubts about anyone’s willingness to help. Hesitancies had no place in friendships. They were the best in the world, hell they were the world. 

I remember playing pakdam pakdai with them, the game of posham pa and hide and seek. The playgrounds were the world we would conquer, the collected chocolates would be the prize money. Doing each other’s home work, sharing the ghost stories, watching alladin and ginnie cartoon series together in the evening. All was done along with friends, in their company.

These are the days I remember today, when I have grown tired of losing friends. Today, when trust comes after a lot of effort, and where intentions have to be cleared at every point.

I say that the sense of sensibility that we grown ups have is very sad. A help given, which was not asked for is doubted while advice is paid for. Talking to shrinks is far easier than calling someone close by and sharing with him. Paying to talk to someone seems like just the thing we needed in life.  Saying sorry is so much more difficult than texting it/ mailing it. Neighbors are the first strangers we know. Smiley’s are the most free form of expression today. I so hate this world of grown ups.

At this point of time in night, I can count atleast 20 people I would like to call right away and talk my heart out with them, but I am not supposed to do that because I am supposed to behave like grownups.Trust me I could give away so much just to meet the people I am missing right now, clear out all the air, and gossip with them for hours, the way I remember I use to do with them.

But I guess this is why derp once told a kid not to grow up, said it’s a trap. Growing up is a trap where office is filled with politics rather than with friends, love has become synonymous to sex rather than the surprise gifts, coffee shops and evening walks. Going to nani’s is not a fav holiday destination anymore.

I so wish I could bring that world of ease and peace back. Go there, take along a few souls from this world, mend relations with them, make a healthy and happy conversations without the if’s and but’s. Let them know that I would always be there for them, without clinging to them when they would want their space. And so like hell demand the same out of them.

Maybe this post has been created out of emotional outburst, but I think its more of something that I have been wanting since last 3-4 years.

I lost the Kabulliwallah- my story teller.

“Kabulliwalleh…Arrey oh Kabulliwalleh? Where had you gone yesterday? Why didn't you come? I missed you.”

The girl shouted out as she narrated the story to her friends. The story was that of an Afghan trader of dry fruits, who use to visit a colony in India to sell dry fruits. She told them how the Kabulliwallah had made friends with a toddler, chatting with her in his free time, gifting her free cashews and nuts.  Crying, she also narrated how the time did them apart, the kabulliwallah went to the jail. The toddler grew into a beautiful girl. The Kabuliallah never forgot her, while in the lost time she never remembered him. She then narrated the day when Kabulliwallah knocked at that girl’s doorsteps, and how that girl wondered if that starnger ever belonged to her past! And if he did belong to her past, than did she miss the sweet chats that she had with him.

The story finished, the audience applauded. Some were crying, some were still lost in the world of Kabuliwala.

She, the girl narrating the Kabulliwala story, got praises, felt proud, and confidently prepared for the next round of story.  She always knew what she was…

She was a story teller. A story weaver, who along with words weaved lives of fairies and angels, of businessmen and thieves, of wonders and grieve! She touched people when she spoke, bringing them in synch with her thoughts. She spoke with drama and tears, with the voice of both brave hearts and fear!

The world was a big bad place, which she knew she would not have to live in. She was going to change it, make it as wonderful as the world of her stories. She was going to make it worth living for her and her close ones. Her daddy use to be proud. He was proud when she spoke on stage fearlessly, he was prouder when she became the monitor. He was proud when teachers praised her!

But who cared, she knew she was meant to do more. She was meant to be a story teller!

But sadness happened, she grew up. She came in high school and the standards changed. For Dad, his awesome girl became the usual, he wanted more, he wanted good marks! Along with Dad, the world which she had dejected, turned around and bared its teeth. Its High school kiddo! Its not a joke! Just this one year, and your life will all be set. 

Scared, she listened to them. The story telling had to wait. The situation was urgent, demanded immediate attention! The world was big and the time was less, a lot of it had to be conquered! Lot had to be done to prove to the world that she has it in her what it takes to become what she want to be!

10th, then 12th. They passed in a jiffy. Did she get good marks? Yeah, maybe! But you need a degree for survival, just marks don't get you to money! Dad’s of the world boasted of the luxury and life they gave us, and which she and the likes of her might have to arrange for their kids. And she became nervous. She could do as well as her dad did right? No, she would do better! And hence she set upon the task of proving it to herself that she could do better than becoming “just” a story teller!

Engineers became MBA’s, MBA’s would become fathers and mothers. In the meanwhile, there were loves to cry over and friends to fret for. In the midst of all this, the story teller got lost somewhere. It got lost, lost in that same world it once wanted to change. She still wonders if it were her own choices that made her loose that story teller, that story teller in her? Or was it a sensible grown up in her that made that choice, of consciously forgetting the story teller in her? She wondered if the story teller in her was as weird and vague as that “kabulliwallah” or the “Prince Charming” of the childhood stories. She wondered if it was right for her that that story teller had departed.

The link to the summary of 'The Kabulliwall' in case you might want to know. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055039/plotsummary

The Kickass Mornings

Oh Lord! Let today be an easy one,

Let there be a helping hand hidden somewhere

Let there be no tears in my eyes

Let there be some peace in my life,

And let there be some sleep in class!                                                                                   

Last night was that restless one, in which let alone reading, even facebooking seemed like hell of a task. With the beginning of another year, my approaching 23^rd birthday seemed nothing less than a doomsday. There would be added responsibilities, added expectations and added questions. And I confess I am as clueless about life as I was when I was 13.

Add to this the sorrow and twisted emotions for friends who have left us behind and gone on exchange, a fight with sister, bad grades, even worse profile and fear of placement.

Chucking everything, I put some music on and crept inside the quilt. And giving due regards to the fact that there are only two bliss in life in winter (one being the “Gajar ka halwa” and other being the warmth of the quilt) I slept.

As expected, morning happened.

The point here is, that whatever it was that seemed impossible at night, suddenly turned into most silly of my worries. Boys were no more dogs, mother wasn’t difficult, brother was a sweetheart, heights were not too far to reach, karma wasn’t a bitch and life though was difficult to live, but wasn’t clueless to start.

Hasn’t it ever happened to you when you just can’t understand why you were crying last night. The reason for all confusion and a sad heart just vanish. The cob webs of suspicion and resentment clear away. Suddenly there is a solid reason that you understand for why a friend didn’t reply to your repeated calls. And everything, even a maze like career sorts itself out. Just like that!

And just like a warrior wears his armor (and boys take bath) I wore my best clothes and thought

“ Yeah baby!! This is what mornings are about..

About new beginnings

About “ek garam chai ki pyali”

About going for that kill

About renewed passions,

About healed feeling,

And obviously about neat clothes” :D

The day I failed to pray

If only I had a mole here,

If only I had that flick more like that,

If only I could have him in my New Year theme party,

If only I could be amongst those people,

If only I had little of this and little of that and more of everything else.

I have literally summarized all that we girls wish for, all that we pray to god for. Now if you won’t please jump to the conclusion that we are always this mundane (I have to get defensive, don’t I?), but then, analogous to the way in which guys wish for more of sex, we wish for more of these mundane things.

Coming to the point, so one fine day, suppose I have all that I have wished for, will I be better person than I am now? Will just one flick of hair twisting the way I want in morning, that one mole shifting its place by few inches, that one guy’s attention that I wanted to draw, that group that I wanted to be included in, invitation to that party that I wasn’t invited in, will they make me in any way, more happier that I am now?

We girls say yes, definitely it would! :P

So that day, there I was, on the Insti’s roof. Sat there chatting with a friend, and constantly staring at the sky, just in case I get to see a shooting star. I would then ask for the world from it!!! And I had not an iorta of doubt that it will fulfill all my wishes, It was “The Shooting Star” after all + I was an aquarian+ A girl! And not just our professors, but even Gods favor girls. :P

And there it was, then n there! I couldn’t believe I had found it that day, FINALLY! C’mon wish for the world Gunjan, wish for your world, that guy. “That Guy”? No, he won’t still be my world after few months! Wish for that awefuckingsome career. That success story, in which everybody looks upto you for decisions and is intimidated by your success. But fuck! Oh wait! You crazy?  If that’s what I want, I’ll get it myself, why ask the star for it. Then if nothing else Oh star! Give me those “cool” people as my friends. I’ll be happiest then. But wait! Fuck them? No, they aren’t worth wasting a Star on them.

That’s it, The star then gave me an epiphany, well, kind of.

It was just not me that was looking for that “shooting Star”. It was everyone around me. While I was in bed crying for a broken heart or a being ditched by a friend, others too were sitting on the beach and talking to the sea about it. When I was worrying about being independent and earning money, other were too struggling to pay their loans back. Those moments in which I felt I was alone, scared and confused, I was actually sharing them with every other person of my age! Those people that I thought are selfish, were actually confused if they were too generous in this cruel world, and trying to become smarter for their own good!

Oh Fish! How come I never realized that this was it. I am as awkward as every “Just out of teens” in this world. I have as many bumps in career, as many broken hearts and as many emo problems as any other person.

This is that time to be happy, when I have no else’s profit margins to worry about, when I don’t have to worry about my next meal, my place of stay, my bunk,  no worries about other people’s (read a  husband’s) dinner!

And stating Bryan Adams with just a change of tense “These ARE the best days of my life!”

A hope in the womb

( this again is a work of fiction, and my will to fight against this practice!)

I'll pray to see you happy

And I'll live to see you smiling,

I'll feed you with my hands

And I'll clap when you succeed,

I'll discuss the loves of your life

And I'll help you in fights,

I'll pray for your well being,

And I pray to see you soon.

I was scared, and hungry, and damn tired. I had been running all day long. I wished that I didn’t have to run anymore, but it was getting away. I could see it, just few steps more and then I’ll leap, and I’ll catch hold of its neck and get it home!

There was mist all around. I could see nothing around, except for that! I was running, on nothing. The mist befriended cold, and like a sweet temptress, it was trying to make me lose it. The cold was killing too, piercing the bones and reaching within, to add to my fear. There were people who were coaxing me to let go of it, but I couldn’t see them. This gave me little strength, their horrendous and angry faces would have made me let it go.

I shouted for help, but obviously there was no one around, and then suddenly I saw a lady, wailing and crying for help too. The thought that I wasn’t alone brought some light, and more mist. The wailing lady could be a friend of the mist and cold!

Faking braveness, I moved forward, maybe that wailing lady really needed help. But alas! It was despair, waiting to hound me and trick me into giving up. And the mist and cold clapped violently. The darkness smirked, and grew its claws, it attacked me. Then despair caught my hands and tied them around, to let the mist and cold surround me, and suffocate me to death.

Please, oh please let me give up. It’s no use fighting anymore. Darkness, despair, mist and cold. They won’t let me get to it, they are dragging me away from it, and it is farther now from before.

It was hope, a hope to save my baby that I was trying to catch. It was a hope to save the life within me that may, sometime in future, become a beautiful, self made, and a successful woman. It was a hope that saving this life, may in future, bring prosperity to many more such lives.

But all was gone. That hope went away, with tear in its eyes. And with that hope went away a daughter, a friend, someone’s wife, and a mother. With my hope, went away many such lives and smiles. And what settled in were darkness, despair, mist and cold. And together they gave birth to depression, hatred and anger. None of which were ever blessed and welcomed by the world, but were always given to the likes of us to bear.

Secrets: The only thing that belongs to you and is yours to bury.

(This is purely a work of fiction, and my twisted emotions!!)

I am yours to play with

And yours to cuddle to

I am yours to manipulate

And yours to exploit,

I am yours to cry with,

And yours to take to grave.

 

I am not alone in this world, I never was. Not at that ice cream stall, where I stole Rs 10 of my friend’s to eat an orange bar, just because my mother can’t afford to let me eat ice creams. I was not alone when all my friends were laughing at me, because I still wore that same old school uniform that I had been wearing since I was 5. I was not alone when the teacher shoed me away, because I belong to those, who don’t have a bed to sleep in.

 I was not alone when I was standing there, watching my mother being harassed by the only man in her life. I was not alone when that man in my mother’s life, came and thrashed me, because I had failed in exams, once more. I had my secrets with me.

But as they say “Change is the only thing that is constant in life”, well, things changed for me too. My mother finally met a man worth her, and she fled. She fled with joy in her heart, she fled with wings on her back, she fled like a woman in love, she fled like a koyal, leaving me behind.

Leaving me behind with a man who was only feared at his home, and respected by none, a man who if given a chance, would rot to death rather than live a life, a man who would rather not live, than earn for that living. But I have never been alone.

How could I be alone when I watched that man bring substitutes of my mother to home? How could I be alone when that man drank while I starved? How could I be alone when he thrashed me again and again? How could I be alone when I became a substitute to my own mother for that man? I had rage within me.

I had not been alone when I was thrown into the streets to feed for my own self. I had not been alone when I went without food for days. I had not been alone when I was raped and beaten by many strangers. I had my own companion. It was Rage.

Rage proved to be treacherous too. It left me when I was on the street, with a knife in my hand, with cool breeze piercing my body, and my clothes torn, with blood dripping, with the street adorning the blood like it’s a martyr’s. Rage left me, and darkness settled in.

I died, but I was not alone. I died with my secrets with me. My secrets, that never left me. My secrets, those were not for the world, but for me. My secret, the only one’s who loved me in return for my love. My secrets, who will always be with me forever and ever and ever.