Hold on your breath oh Universe! Change ahead...

I just got an email from a site, which allows you to write emails to the future you.

In that, I had written a lot of things that I was insecure about 2 years back, when it was my first day in the college. And I was surprised because all of those insecurities have come true. I am wondering if this is an extreme case of intuition gone right, or a case of presumptions beliefs and insecurities that you surround yourself creating a cloud of doubt and suspicion inside you to ruin you to the core, to the extent that your efforts seem dented and half-hearted.

In a book called Harry potter, I remember reading “Harry, never forget that what the prophecy said was only significant because Lord Voldemort made it so.” I can relate to it so much right now. It’s as if I had prophesized for myself, that these adversities will happen, and it’s as if I started acting on that same belief (that they will happen), and that belief ate up all my efforts, restricted my imagination of how not to let the Prophecy come true.

Similar to this, and from a totally unrelated sector, somebody recently told me how whatever you declare to the universe, comes true because universe conspires to make it happen. It’s as if I declared that I would fail, in relationships, in friendship, career-wise, and that insecurity made it happen.

I don’t know if you are able to relate to what I am saying, but I’ll end up on something that you might understand.

Take my advice, and don’t restrict yourself to the boundaries that a certain fear, an inferiority complex creates around you. Declare to the universe what you want, and if not the universe strives to make it happen, that declaration will atleast help you make it happen, to put in whole hearted efforts into that declaration. Pessimism has worked fine for me in the past; I always took the worst case scenario and strived to convert into the best case. But Pessimism could only bring me this far, now it has turned back onto me to leave me with “I am being victimized” attitude. Now it’s time for optimism, hope, passion and determination. I am not telling you to go into the war without a fall-back option, but I think fall-back options only keep you from making full efforts.

How I now wish I hadn’t thought of these adversities, then I wouldn’t have feared them, and I would have lived as a free bird, striving, taking each day as it comes. But I guess it’s never late to start with good habits…

The Kickass Mornings

Oh Lord! Let today be an easy one,

Let there be a helping hand hidden somewhere

Let there be no tears in my eyes

Let there be some peace in my life,

And let there be some sleep in class!                                                                                   

Last night was that restless one, in which let alone reading, even facebooking seemed like hell of a task. With the beginning of another year, my approaching 23^rd birthday seemed nothing less than a doomsday. There would be added responsibilities, added expectations and added questions. And I confess I am as clueless about life as I was when I was 13.

Add to this the sorrow and twisted emotions for friends who have left us behind and gone on exchange, a fight with sister, bad grades, even worse profile and fear of placement.

Chucking everything, I put some music on and crept inside the quilt. And giving due regards to the fact that there are only two bliss in life in winter (one being the “Gajar ka halwa” and other being the warmth of the quilt) I slept.

As expected, morning happened.

The point here is, that whatever it was that seemed impossible at night, suddenly turned into most silly of my worries. Boys were no more dogs, mother wasn’t difficult, brother was a sweetheart, heights were not too far to reach, karma wasn’t a bitch and life though was difficult to live, but wasn’t clueless to start.

Hasn’t it ever happened to you when you just can’t understand why you were crying last night. The reason for all confusion and a sad heart just vanish. The cob webs of suspicion and resentment clear away. Suddenly there is a solid reason that you understand for why a friend didn’t reply to your repeated calls. And everything, even a maze like career sorts itself out. Just like that!

And just like a warrior wears his armor (and boys take bath) I wore my best clothes and thought

“ Yeah baby!! This is what mornings are about..

About new beginnings

About “ek garam chai ki pyali”

About going for that kill

About renewed passions,

About healed feeling,

And obviously about neat clothes” :D

The day I failed to pray

If only I had a mole here,

If only I had that flick more like that,

If only I could have him in my New Year theme party,

If only I could be amongst those people,

If only I had little of this and little of that and more of everything else.

I have literally summarized all that we girls wish for, all that we pray to god for. Now if you won’t please jump to the conclusion that we are always this mundane (I have to get defensive, don’t I?), but then, analogous to the way in which guys wish for more of sex, we wish for more of these mundane things.

Coming to the point, so one fine day, suppose I have all that I have wished for, will I be better person than I am now? Will just one flick of hair twisting the way I want in morning, that one mole shifting its place by few inches, that one guy’s attention that I wanted to draw, that group that I wanted to be included in, invitation to that party that I wasn’t invited in, will they make me in any way, more happier that I am now?

We girls say yes, definitely it would! :P

So that day, there I was, on the Insti’s roof. Sat there chatting with a friend, and constantly staring at the sky, just in case I get to see a shooting star. I would then ask for the world from it!!! And I had not an iorta of doubt that it will fulfill all my wishes, It was “The Shooting Star” after all + I was an aquarian+ A girl! And not just our professors, but even Gods favor girls. :P

And there it was, then n there! I couldn’t believe I had found it that day, FINALLY! C’mon wish for the world Gunjan, wish for your world, that guy. “That Guy”? No, he won’t still be my world after few months! Wish for that awefuckingsome career. That success story, in which everybody looks upto you for decisions and is intimidated by your success. But fuck! Oh wait! You crazy?  If that’s what I want, I’ll get it myself, why ask the star for it. Then if nothing else Oh star! Give me those “cool” people as my friends. I’ll be happiest then. But wait! Fuck them? No, they aren’t worth wasting a Star on them.

That’s it, The star then gave me an epiphany, well, kind of.

It was just not me that was looking for that “shooting Star”. It was everyone around me. While I was in bed crying for a broken heart or a being ditched by a friend, others too were sitting on the beach and talking to the sea about it. When I was worrying about being independent and earning money, other were too struggling to pay their loans back. Those moments in which I felt I was alone, scared and confused, I was actually sharing them with every other person of my age! Those people that I thought are selfish, were actually confused if they were too generous in this cruel world, and trying to become smarter for their own good!

Oh Fish! How come I never realized that this was it. I am as awkward as every “Just out of teens” in this world. I have as many bumps in career, as many broken hearts and as many emo problems as any other person.

This is that time to be happy, when I have no else’s profit margins to worry about, when I don’t have to worry about my next meal, my place of stay, my bunk,  no worries about other people’s (read a  husband’s) dinner!

And stating Bryan Adams with just a change of tense “These ARE the best days of my life!”