When all things dear in the world were lost

There was a world where tying rakhies to guys not our brothers was easy.
There was a time when friendship happened with just a shake of hands.
There were days when crying for the one you love was not a shame.
There were days when asking for help was done without much fretting over.

Calling friends, going to their place, dancing, eating chocolates, everything was just so much easier to do. There were no second thoughts about one’s intention, no doubts about anyone’s willingness to help. Hesitancies had no place in friendships. They were the best in the world, hell they were the world. 

I remember playing pakdam pakdai with them, the game of posham pa and hide and seek. The playgrounds were the world we would conquer, the collected chocolates would be the prize money. Doing each other’s home work, sharing the ghost stories, watching alladin and ginnie cartoon series together in the evening. All was done along with friends, in their company.

These are the days I remember today, when I have grown tired of losing friends. Today, when trust comes after a lot of effort, and where intentions have to be cleared at every point.

I say that the sense of sensibility that we grown ups have is very sad. A help given, which was not asked for is doubted while advice is paid for. Talking to shrinks is far easier than calling someone close by and sharing with him. Paying to talk to someone seems like just the thing we needed in life.  Saying sorry is so much more difficult than texting it/ mailing it. Neighbors are the first strangers we know. Smiley’s are the most free form of expression today. I so hate this world of grown ups.

At this point of time in night, I can count atleast 20 people I would like to call right away and talk my heart out with them, but I am not supposed to do that because I am supposed to behave like grownups.Trust me I could give away so much just to meet the people I am missing right now, clear out all the air, and gossip with them for hours, the way I remember I use to do with them.

But I guess this is why derp once told a kid not to grow up, said it’s a trap. Growing up is a trap where office is filled with politics rather than with friends, love has become synonymous to sex rather than the surprise gifts, coffee shops and evening walks. Going to nani’s is not a fav holiday destination anymore.

I so wish I could bring that world of ease and peace back. Go there, take along a few souls from this world, mend relations with them, make a healthy and happy conversations without the if’s and but’s. Let them know that I would always be there for them, without clinging to them when they would want their space. And so like hell demand the same out of them.

Maybe this post has been created out of emotional outburst, but I think its more of something that I have been wanting since last 3-4 years.

The online pyaar.

They met. It was pleasant. They exchanged numbers, and along with it, the BBM pins and the facebook requests. They thought they had got along well, more than that, they were happy they knew each other now.

For the Girl- He was a friend to talk to. And maybe think of in free time.

For the Guy- She was a friend to talk to. And maybe think of in free time.

They chatted. They texted. In the class, at home, while dinner, before sleeping. They talked about the world, they talked about the work. The philosophies of life, the failures of career, the regrets of past, the plans in future, the neighborhood crushes, the broken heart, friends gone apart, they discussed everything. 

For her- He became the support in life, the ultimate fallback option. She remembered him when even God failed to come in mind to ask for help.

For him- She had become the ultimate rescuer, someone to text and chat with when lonely, tired or even bored. She rescued him from the regrets of the past, she rescued him from the fears of the future.

Friendship had become strong, it now ran in their veins, in their brain. They decided to meet. 

For her- He had filled the missing piece of the puzzle. But she never saw the big picture, never realized that he had become the part of the puzzle.

For him- She had filled the vacuum. But he never saw that the vacuum was the big black hole. Making her a part of it, engulfing her into self and becoming bigger.

They met, they talked for hours, they drank, like they could with no one else. 

All this happened in real this time. In the absence of apps, text and chat smileys, they realized the heat.

For the Girl- It was the heat of emotions

For the Guy- It was the heat of hormones.

Blast happened, things twisted, equations changed, rejections followed and the tears flew. The elements of a perfect virtual friendship had now rearranged themselves to form a bitter breakup.

For the Girl- She was now #foreveralone . Looking for a new virtual friend to talk about the relationship gone sour.

For the Guy- He was now #foreveralone . Looking for a new virtual friend to curse the bitch who had just turned him down.

And this is how the online love was born and died, leaving behind many unhappy souls and #foreveralones .

Secrets: The only thing that belongs to you and is yours to bury.

(This is purely a work of fiction, and my twisted emotions!!)

I am yours to play with

And yours to cuddle to

I am yours to manipulate

And yours to exploit,

I am yours to cry with,

And yours to take to grave.

 

I am not alone in this world, I never was. Not at that ice cream stall, where I stole Rs 10 of my friend’s to eat an orange bar, just because my mother can’t afford to let me eat ice creams. I was not alone when all my friends were laughing at me, because I still wore that same old school uniform that I had been wearing since I was 5. I was not alone when the teacher shoed me away, because I belong to those, who don’t have a bed to sleep in.

 I was not alone when I was standing there, watching my mother being harassed by the only man in her life. I was not alone when that man in my mother’s life, came and thrashed me, because I had failed in exams, once more. I had my secrets with me.

But as they say “Change is the only thing that is constant in life”, well, things changed for me too. My mother finally met a man worth her, and she fled. She fled with joy in her heart, she fled with wings on her back, she fled like a woman in love, she fled like a koyal, leaving me behind.

Leaving me behind with a man who was only feared at his home, and respected by none, a man who if given a chance, would rot to death rather than live a life, a man who would rather not live, than earn for that living. But I have never been alone.

How could I be alone when I watched that man bring substitutes of my mother to home? How could I be alone when that man drank while I starved? How could I be alone when he thrashed me again and again? How could I be alone when I became a substitute to my own mother for that man? I had rage within me.

I had not been alone when I was thrown into the streets to feed for my own self. I had not been alone when I went without food for days. I had not been alone when I was raped and beaten by many strangers. I had my own companion. It was Rage.

Rage proved to be treacherous too. It left me when I was on the street, with a knife in my hand, with cool breeze piercing my body, and my clothes torn, with blood dripping, with the street adorning the blood like it’s a martyr’s. Rage left me, and darkness settled in.

I died, but I was not alone. I died with my secrets with me. My secrets, that never left me. My secrets, those were not for the world, but for me. My secret, the only one’s who loved me in return for my love. My secrets, who will always be with me forever and ever and ever.