Can she?

She wakes up in the morning

wanting to go back to sleep

remembering the dream from the last night

the dream in which they were together

Does she still have the right to dream a happy dream?

She wakes up each morning

With groggy eyes and saddened mind

cursing herself for the night before 

when she thought of the time spent in his company

Can she still think of the happy times?

She wakes up with an apology

to herself for falling for him so hard and so selflessly

repeating the word sorry a 100 times hoping it would bring redemption

and still not enough because there is no way to forgive herself.

Should she be the one apologizing for something as simple as love?

She wakes up dreading the day

she doesn't know what should come next

He didn't even give her a chance to show the dearth of her love

the love which just made her lifeless and formless

Can she still go and slap him for his ruthlessness? 

"killing me softly" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFYWMCKGj84

A home away from home- The Happy Blog

A home away from home,

A life very new from the one I lived

Friends so different from the once I loved

Discovering new people, new roles and strengths,

I am glad I came this far from my mother land.

I never gave a serious thought to living away from home. I never really imagined that that will ever be needed. I am a girl who always prioritized family over friends, and so never really knew how it would be to live so far away from one.

I am writing today not because the life with parents is easy, there were always other things to worry about then. But writing today because living away from home has been a different (and till now cherished) experience altogether.

A bucket of regrets from the past

A string of memories of the bygones

Whole lot of loves that never materialized

Keeping myself strong in those soul crushing nights

All left behind, I am glad I came this far from my beloved land

The city that I am living in is pretty awesome in a lot of senses. Totally scary autowallas, traffic jam packed roads (awfully polluted ones at that). But “Mah LYf MaH RuLezZ” truly makes sense here. People are less judgmental, they are freer, they are “work hard and party harder” kind of people.  Or the fact is that there are just more people of my age category.

Probably it is all of this, or it is that I just became a free bird, with no restriction of timelines whatsoever, because hey “I just discovered the Ola Cab App”. That, and the fact that all the places from the troublesome, full of not so wonderful memories, distracting past are far away. And all the complex equations just dissolved due to the distance. All the “log kya sochenge” after a failed effort, though still are there, are very far away now.

Those strangely comforting words from a loving Dad

Those "I'll slap you if you'll cry again" handholds from a strong mother

Those surprise chocolates from a very thoughtful brother

Those mature lectures from a younger sister (Is she smart or is she smart!)

All of it cherished, I am glad I have them in this faraway land

I am happy, parents are happier that I am getting to work hard. I had counted on few people to be family in a sans family city, but I found the emotional independence before I even got there(I am discovering more of it). I realized a lot of other great strengths

  1. I can shop for Groceries, as perfectly as my parents did.

 2. I can keep a neat home, as meticulously neat as unknown gnomes kept  my          previous one

 3. I can negotiate with maids, and electricians and plumbers and ...

 4. I clean my own laundry, and then iron it.

 5. I can manage mornings without Mom having to bark out my name

 6. I can manage to fall ill without cribbing about it to parents.

 7. I can love my siblings better than when I was with them

 8. I can survive without Maggi and Ma.

 9. I can.

I am sure everybody else can do it too and not feel the need to write about it or feel extremely happy about it. Maybe because either they can’t write, or they don’t feel happy about it, or both (get the pun? No, ok!)

But yay I am happy, and yay that I am writing a happy blog after so long. And yay I have finally learnt to gather good people around me. And yay I have overcome the rotten past. And yay to awesome room-mates (You two make the dinner time a look forward to event) and yay to awesome team-mates (only few of them). Yay to Ola cabs (I wasn’t paid to advertise), and yay to my new company (It feels awesome to work for you AND crib about it to parents) and yay to an extreme satisfaction of finding a home away from home.

Since an year before

You don’t worry my dear Mama,

I’ll rise again,

From the fallen ashes,

I’ll spark again.

I’ll spark to make you proud,

I’ll spark to mend your wounds,

I’ll spark to be in your old age,

I’ll spark again from my ruins.

An year before, I was mentally several years younger and significantly more naive than the woman I am today (an oxymoron, but true). I was in love, a lot, and further put into mess by an emotionally weak heart. Or at least I thought that I was, and I ended up wounded, scarred, financially broke, pathetic and entirely heartbroken.

But haven’t we all atleast once in our life? Haven’t we all atleast once thought that this is the worse it can get, and I don’t know how to get through this extremely exhausting phase of life. Haven’t we all wondered then, that as if we are stuck in this mess since forever and for forever?

Love (arguably) means giving out your best to that love, layer by layer peeling open your cocoon to do so, just because you believe that “love interest” deserves the best. It is the most vulnerable situation you put yourself in. Scary, risky, unknown and unpredictable. And it’s not until we’re truly charred by it that we realize that it was the fragile heart that we risked.

But then why we find ourselves young, suddenly alone, and then in love again. Forgotten about the effort it required to be in that kind of love, the investment required to nurture it, and (forgive the MBA Terms) absolutely zero guaranteed returns. Maybe because, once there, we suddenly notice that vigorously thumping heart. Suddenly, we realize just how much alive that thumping can feel.

In this last year, I have been crazy in love, multiple times, with anything that I could hold onto to let go of the previous love (a vicious cycle). Sometimes romantically, sometimes passionately. And in love… not just with people, I have fallen in love with organizations, with ideas, sometimes with money, once with the idea of being the best daughter, and other times with fame.

And all of the above love(s), unarguably, turned into an ex. I remember that frenzy to attain that love, those tears on failing, that clutching my hair and crying in absolute desperation, to plan again for next move, to rehearse the dialogues, to finally giving up on one love and moving onto another.

In those months of darkness, when I supposed I was at my weakest, I rose stronger. Not to forget the people I clinched onto to make me strong, I had become an emotional fungus, depended emotionally on people other than family for sustenance. God bless them.

But today, suddenly I don’t regret falling and failing repeatedly in love. It taught me what it means to give all of you to somebody, or something, wholeheartedly. I learned how to try, fail, and try again with scratches on your heart.

I learned to appreciate confusion and desperation. Desperation brings out the best in people, makes them comfortable with themselves, their own thoughts. I learnt to appreciate silence, to spend time inside of my own head. I learned how to drink an entire bottle of wine by myself, and I learned how to put the glass of wine down.

I learned how to live my life without regrets, just let everything be on the table of past, and accept that it will be there forever, like some shining old antique. I have learned how to fall graciously after a leap of faith goes wrong.

I might have been given nothing but darkness to start with, But now I realize I was given an opportunity to be a better, stronger person. I was given the opportunity to make myself worthwhile to those who matter to me, I was given a chance to realize what actually mattered to me. I was given the opportunity to mend my own heart back together.

And now I know that life happens, Disappointments burn you, put your world to darkness, but you keep lighting matches anyway. And you got to find the parts of you to put back together from those ashes, and you got to move on and give yourself a second chance, with a heart that is stronger than before.

I changed when….

Once upon a time I was a girl, a charming one people say. I changed into a teenager when the air of love flew in. Sweet smelling and strong, it helped me built the castles of dream on it. But those castles were built in the air, they broke.

I changed into a conscious and careful girl when they broke.

The conscious teenager entered into the big bad world outside school, and the air was now that of politics, mistrust and danger. Worries for future and expectations from parents infiltrated it. Along with it I could smell the play of power and the filthy game that it leads to. I was an aware but an insecure just out of my teens girl. I was now rebellious, desperate to make it out of this filth and into a prosperous world. With love-life put on hold, friends gone astray and college coming to an end, the air had become difficult to breathe in.

I changed when God gave me another chance, I changed into an optimistic girl.

 I now smiled, and made friends again. I had now come to trusting people again, sharing feelings was considered to be okay again. An acceptance had come to me that everything that happens is always for the “greater” good.

But change had to come again, I changed when I made a choice to leave that position of comfort.

I changed into a business woman when I traded that world of friends for a world of stretched limits, clever businessmen and new opportunities. People say it is a world where, you study the world and you study the self. You accept the weirdest, and question the simplest. I changed myself enough to fit into that world.

I am changing now, again. I am learning to do things for myself rather than to keep others happy. This learning has brought back the long lost sense of security, a sense of pride in self.

This change is the first of its types, which I have welcomed.

It has brought the belief that life was never meant to be fair, but that's why it is beautiful. I have realized that people will leave you heartbroken, not because they are ruthless, but because they never understood what you expected out of them.

Oh what a relief it was to realize that Its okay to cry for the ones gone. Its easy to move on when done so without resentments.

Resentment is good too, only till it doesn’t break you down into pieces. Its okay to be selfish, it’s okay to be weird, and want things that others never dreamt of.

Its okay to let go of the rotten past. I realized, in the 6 years that I have feared my future, the past never mirrored the future, my life has never shown me days I have always been worried of. And my failures of the past have not crept into the present yet.  

I guess there have to be new beginnings every time season changes, there are new friends every time old ones are lost, the heart always finds new loves to toy around when the ex’s break your heart, there are new bosses waiting to dictate new terms when the old one throws you out.

He always has the Plan B for us if one doesn’t work out, or maybe it’s the way we are, that we figure out new ways to make everything right.

I am just looking to making everything "right" now, and writing this has just put everything into perspective.

And hence leave you with this wonderful song.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4VEAh1-kpU

When all things dear in the world were lost

There was a world where tying rakhies to guys not our brothers was easy.
There was a time when friendship happened with just a shake of hands.
There were days when crying for the one you love was not a shame.
There were days when asking for help was done without much fretting over.

Calling friends, going to their place, dancing, eating chocolates, everything was just so much easier to do. There were no second thoughts about one’s intention, no doubts about anyone’s willingness to help. Hesitancies had no place in friendships. They were the best in the world, hell they were the world. 

I remember playing pakdam pakdai with them, the game of posham pa and hide and seek. The playgrounds were the world we would conquer, the collected chocolates would be the prize money. Doing each other’s home work, sharing the ghost stories, watching alladin and ginnie cartoon series together in the evening. All was done along with friends, in their company.

These are the days I remember today, when I have grown tired of losing friends. Today, when trust comes after a lot of effort, and where intentions have to be cleared at every point.

I say that the sense of sensibility that we grown ups have is very sad. A help given, which was not asked for is doubted while advice is paid for. Talking to shrinks is far easier than calling someone close by and sharing with him. Paying to talk to someone seems like just the thing we needed in life.  Saying sorry is so much more difficult than texting it/ mailing it. Neighbors are the first strangers we know. Smiley’s are the most free form of expression today. I so hate this world of grown ups.

At this point of time in night, I can count atleast 20 people I would like to call right away and talk my heart out with them, but I am not supposed to do that because I am supposed to behave like grownups.Trust me I could give away so much just to meet the people I am missing right now, clear out all the air, and gossip with them for hours, the way I remember I use to do with them.

But I guess this is why derp once told a kid not to grow up, said it’s a trap. Growing up is a trap where office is filled with politics rather than with friends, love has become synonymous to sex rather than the surprise gifts, coffee shops and evening walks. Going to nani’s is not a fav holiday destination anymore.

I so wish I could bring that world of ease and peace back. Go there, take along a few souls from this world, mend relations with them, make a healthy and happy conversations without the if’s and but’s. Let them know that I would always be there for them, without clinging to them when they would want their space. And so like hell demand the same out of them.

Maybe this post has been created out of emotional outburst, but I think its more of something that I have been wanting since last 3-4 years.

The online pyaar.

They met. It was pleasant. They exchanged numbers, and along with it, the BBM pins and the facebook requests. They thought they had got along well, more than that, they were happy they knew each other now.

For the Girl- He was a friend to talk to. And maybe think of in free time.

For the Guy- She was a friend to talk to. And maybe think of in free time.

They chatted. They texted. In the class, at home, while dinner, before sleeping. They talked about the world, they talked about the work. The philosophies of life, the failures of career, the regrets of past, the plans in future, the neighborhood crushes, the broken heart, friends gone apart, they discussed everything. 

For her- He became the support in life, the ultimate fallback option. She remembered him when even God failed to come in mind to ask for help.

For him- She had become the ultimate rescuer, someone to text and chat with when lonely, tired or even bored. She rescued him from the regrets of the past, she rescued him from the fears of the future.

Friendship had become strong, it now ran in their veins, in their brain. They decided to meet. 

For her- He had filled the missing piece of the puzzle. But she never saw the big picture, never realized that he had become the part of the puzzle.

For him- She had filled the vacuum. But he never saw that the vacuum was the big black hole. Making her a part of it, engulfing her into self and becoming bigger.

They met, they talked for hours, they drank, like they could with no one else. 

All this happened in real this time. In the absence of apps, text and chat smileys, they realized the heat.

For the Girl- It was the heat of emotions

For the Guy- It was the heat of hormones.

Blast happened, things twisted, equations changed, rejections followed and the tears flew. The elements of a perfect virtual friendship had now rearranged themselves to form a bitter breakup.

For the Girl- She was now #foreveralone . Looking for a new virtual friend to talk about the relationship gone sour.

For the Guy- He was now #foreveralone . Looking for a new virtual friend to curse the bitch who had just turned him down.

And this is how the online love was born and died, leaving behind many unhappy souls and #foreveralones .

The Forbidden Fruit...

The road not to be taken, the room never been opened.

The Mona Lisa smile, the mystery of the grail.

The appeal of a woman, and the glory of the moon.

All that is forbidden, or that that has been put out of reach...

There’s something about doing what is absolutely forbidden. The Harry Potter’s famous Forbidden Forest was a reason for talk due this same unsaid reason. The ‘hidden’ Chamber of Secrets, the though scary, but exciting though of breaking into the Ministry of Magic, Ginny dating the ‘oh so tough to date, busy in saving the world’ Harry Potter, Ron dating ‘tough to beat’ Hermoine Granger.

Similarly, that something which is unreachable is always more desirable. Starting from the mystery that the piggy bank was when we were children, to the A rated movies.
Talking a bit closer to home...the will to “Try” booze, fag and dope is much greater than when you’ve already done those. And that’s where people use the phrase “been there done that!” to boast of their supposed achievements to those, who are beginners.

The IIT, the IIM’s, the IAS is still a dream in every household, while they become just a stepping stone the moment you crack them. Till then those who crack it are aliens, and the objects for intimidation and probably desire to some. *blush*!!

That girl next door, or that hot chick in office is what men will turn and gaze, and maybe even imagine in their fantasies, till finally one day they get to date them. Then they wish they had stayed ‘just friends’ with them, well probably because they are no more forbidden, they are what they have already attained. The mystery dissolved.

The woman outside of the marriage is always more beautiful than one’s own wife. His girlfriend is always sexier than one’s own. The grass on the field of private property is always greener! The dress on her is always more sexier.

For us women too, its commonly known that the desire for the MIB ‘Men in Black’ or for that matter, the ‘Men in Uniform’ is so great that it threatens our respective husbands and boyfriends, or atleast makes them wonder the reason for the desire. The probable excuse being- it’s the doing of the ego. Woman’s ego hurts when they become the second love of the man, the first supposedly being the love for the country or the human race. The “2 take di naukri” song explains it better than any of my above comments, it so truthfully explains the desperation of a wife for his husband in the month of monsoon, who incidentally is loving being busy with his ‘not so paying well job’. That lady, singing so seductively, is still cribbing for her husband despite being wished for by so many other. And here comes in the concept that applies to all the singles of the world, that of “The one we like doesn’t love us, and the one we don’t love is desperate to be loved by us”! Well, that’s the sad and most truest of the vicious cycle in the world of love and lust baby! The unreachable is always the most desirable.

Remember the feeling of wearing a tee saying “I make my own rules” or that jatt singing “assi jitthe bhi jawange gaddi morange, assi saare de saare rule todange”?

Speaking of The JAI of “just mohobbat” tele serial, who broke all the rules, though in innocence. Just doing all the wrong things in life made him so desirable to all the girls of his class... #justsaying.

The reason why Dabangg was such a Dabangg movie and ‘Rowdy Rathore’ seems so promising!

The love for all night parties, the air of thrill about driving faster than the limit allows, the craze in visiting India Gate at night, the air of ‘haawwww’ and the gossips about one night stands, the awesomeness in watching item songs chupke chupke.....

The list is endless, but the reason is only one, well atleast for the likes of ‘rowdy’ or ‘rebellious, stubborn” me.

The Kickass Mornings

Oh Lord! Let today be an easy one,

Let there be a helping hand hidden somewhere

Let there be no tears in my eyes

Let there be some peace in my life,

And let there be some sleep in class!                                                                                   

Last night was that restless one, in which let alone reading, even facebooking seemed like hell of a task. With the beginning of another year, my approaching 23^rd birthday seemed nothing less than a doomsday. There would be added responsibilities, added expectations and added questions. And I confess I am as clueless about life as I was when I was 13.

Add to this the sorrow and twisted emotions for friends who have left us behind and gone on exchange, a fight with sister, bad grades, even worse profile and fear of placement.

Chucking everything, I put some music on and crept inside the quilt. And giving due regards to the fact that there are only two bliss in life in winter (one being the “Gajar ka halwa” and other being the warmth of the quilt) I slept.

As expected, morning happened.

The point here is, that whatever it was that seemed impossible at night, suddenly turned into most silly of my worries. Boys were no more dogs, mother wasn’t difficult, brother was a sweetheart, heights were not too far to reach, karma wasn’t a bitch and life though was difficult to live, but wasn’t clueless to start.

Hasn’t it ever happened to you when you just can’t understand why you were crying last night. The reason for all confusion and a sad heart just vanish. The cob webs of suspicion and resentment clear away. Suddenly there is a solid reason that you understand for why a friend didn’t reply to your repeated calls. And everything, even a maze like career sorts itself out. Just like that!

And just like a warrior wears his armor (and boys take bath) I wore my best clothes and thought

“ Yeah baby!! This is what mornings are about..

About new beginnings

About “ek garam chai ki pyali”

About going for that kill

About renewed passions,

About healed feeling,

And obviously about neat clothes” :D

The day I failed to pray

If only I had a mole here,

If only I had that flick more like that,

If only I could have him in my New Year theme party,

If only I could be amongst those people,

If only I had little of this and little of that and more of everything else.

I have literally summarized all that we girls wish for, all that we pray to god for. Now if you won’t please jump to the conclusion that we are always this mundane (I have to get defensive, don’t I?), but then, analogous to the way in which guys wish for more of sex, we wish for more of these mundane things.

Coming to the point, so one fine day, suppose I have all that I have wished for, will I be better person than I am now? Will just one flick of hair twisting the way I want in morning, that one mole shifting its place by few inches, that one guy’s attention that I wanted to draw, that group that I wanted to be included in, invitation to that party that I wasn’t invited in, will they make me in any way, more happier that I am now?

We girls say yes, definitely it would! :P

So that day, there I was, on the Insti’s roof. Sat there chatting with a friend, and constantly staring at the sky, just in case I get to see a shooting star. I would then ask for the world from it!!! And I had not an iorta of doubt that it will fulfill all my wishes, It was “The Shooting Star” after all + I was an aquarian+ A girl! And not just our professors, but even Gods favor girls. :P

And there it was, then n there! I couldn’t believe I had found it that day, FINALLY! C’mon wish for the world Gunjan, wish for your world, that guy. “That Guy”? No, he won’t still be my world after few months! Wish for that awefuckingsome career. That success story, in which everybody looks upto you for decisions and is intimidated by your success. But fuck! Oh wait! You crazy?  If that’s what I want, I’ll get it myself, why ask the star for it. Then if nothing else Oh star! Give me those “cool” people as my friends. I’ll be happiest then. But wait! Fuck them? No, they aren’t worth wasting a Star on them.

That’s it, The star then gave me an epiphany, well, kind of.

It was just not me that was looking for that “shooting Star”. It was everyone around me. While I was in bed crying for a broken heart or a being ditched by a friend, others too were sitting on the beach and talking to the sea about it. When I was worrying about being independent and earning money, other were too struggling to pay their loans back. Those moments in which I felt I was alone, scared and confused, I was actually sharing them with every other person of my age! Those people that I thought are selfish, were actually confused if they were too generous in this cruel world, and trying to become smarter for their own good!

Oh Fish! How come I never realized that this was it. I am as awkward as every “Just out of teens” in this world. I have as many bumps in career, as many broken hearts and as many emo problems as any other person.

This is that time to be happy, when I have no else’s profit margins to worry about, when I don’t have to worry about my next meal, my place of stay, my bunk,  no worries about other people’s (read a  husband’s) dinner!

And stating Bryan Adams with just a change of tense “These ARE the best days of my life!”

Secrets: The only thing that belongs to you and is yours to bury.

(This is purely a work of fiction, and my twisted emotions!!)

I am yours to play with

And yours to cuddle to

I am yours to manipulate

And yours to exploit,

I am yours to cry with,

And yours to take to grave.

 

I am not alone in this world, I never was. Not at that ice cream stall, where I stole Rs 10 of my friend’s to eat an orange bar, just because my mother can’t afford to let me eat ice creams. I was not alone when all my friends were laughing at me, because I still wore that same old school uniform that I had been wearing since I was 5. I was not alone when the teacher shoed me away, because I belong to those, who don’t have a bed to sleep in.

 I was not alone when I was standing there, watching my mother being harassed by the only man in her life. I was not alone when that man in my mother’s life, came and thrashed me, because I had failed in exams, once more. I had my secrets with me.

But as they say “Change is the only thing that is constant in life”, well, things changed for me too. My mother finally met a man worth her, and she fled. She fled with joy in her heart, she fled with wings on her back, she fled like a woman in love, she fled like a koyal, leaving me behind.

Leaving me behind with a man who was only feared at his home, and respected by none, a man who if given a chance, would rot to death rather than live a life, a man who would rather not live, than earn for that living. But I have never been alone.

How could I be alone when I watched that man bring substitutes of my mother to home? How could I be alone when that man drank while I starved? How could I be alone when he thrashed me again and again? How could I be alone when I became a substitute to my own mother for that man? I had rage within me.

I had not been alone when I was thrown into the streets to feed for my own self. I had not been alone when I went without food for days. I had not been alone when I was raped and beaten by many strangers. I had my own companion. It was Rage.

Rage proved to be treacherous too. It left me when I was on the street, with a knife in my hand, with cool breeze piercing my body, and my clothes torn, with blood dripping, with the street adorning the blood like it’s a martyr’s. Rage left me, and darkness settled in.

I died, but I was not alone. I died with my secrets with me. My secrets, that never left me. My secrets, those were not for the world, but for me. My secret, the only one’s who loved me in return for my love. My secrets, who will always be with me forever and ever and ever.