Can she?

She wakes up in the morning

wanting to go back to sleep

remembering the dream from the last night

the dream in which they were together

Does she still have the right to dream a happy dream?

She wakes up each morning

With groggy eyes and saddened mind

cursing herself for the night before 

when she thought of the time spent in his company

Can she still think of the happy times?

She wakes up with an apology

to herself for falling for him so hard and so selflessly

repeating the word sorry a 100 times hoping it would bring redemption

and still not enough because there is no way to forgive herself.

Should she be the one apologizing for something as simple as love?

She wakes up dreading the day

she doesn't know what should come next

He didn't even give her a chance to show the dearth of her love

the love which just made her lifeless and formless

Can she still go and slap him for his ruthlessness? 

"killing me softly" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFYWMCKGj84

Don't. Not ever again.

Don't say Hi,

I might say hi back to you.

Let the heart shout right now

Go away you. Or I'll cage you in my memories

Don't talk to me,

I might laugh at your silly jokes.

Let the breath break into sobs

Go away you, Or I'll bind you in my words.

Don't look me in the eye,

I might find the blue in them pretty.

Let the nights turn unbearably cold

Go away you, Or I'll etch your face in my eyes

Don't ever meet me again

I might again forget self for you

Let the hopes shatter into pieces

Go away you, Or I'll keep keep you against your will

A home away from home- The Happy Blog

A home away from home,

A life very new from the one I lived

Friends so different from the once I loved

Discovering new people, new roles and strengths,

I am glad I came this far from my mother land.

I never gave a serious thought to living away from home. I never really imagined that that will ever be needed. I am a girl who always prioritized family over friends, and so never really knew how it would be to live so far away from one.

I am writing today not because the life with parents is easy, there were always other things to worry about then. But writing today because living away from home has been a different (and till now cherished) experience altogether.

A bucket of regrets from the past

A string of memories of the bygones

Whole lot of loves that never materialized

Keeping myself strong in those soul crushing nights

All left behind, I am glad I came this far from my beloved land

The city that I am living in is pretty awesome in a lot of senses. Totally scary autowallas, traffic jam packed roads (awfully polluted ones at that). But “Mah LYf MaH RuLezZ” truly makes sense here. People are less judgmental, they are freer, they are “work hard and party harder” kind of people.  Or the fact is that there are just more people of my age category.

Probably it is all of this, or it is that I just became a free bird, with no restriction of timelines whatsoever, because hey “I just discovered the Ola Cab App”. That, and the fact that all the places from the troublesome, full of not so wonderful memories, distracting past are far away. And all the complex equations just dissolved due to the distance. All the “log kya sochenge” after a failed effort, though still are there, are very far away now.

Those strangely comforting words from a loving Dad

Those "I'll slap you if you'll cry again" handholds from a strong mother

Those surprise chocolates from a very thoughtful brother

Those mature lectures from a younger sister (Is she smart or is she smart!)

All of it cherished, I am glad I have them in this faraway land

I am happy, parents are happier that I am getting to work hard. I had counted on few people to be family in a sans family city, but I found the emotional independence before I even got there(I am discovering more of it). I realized a lot of other great strengths

  1. I can shop for Groceries, as perfectly as my parents did.

 2. I can keep a neat home, as meticulously neat as unknown gnomes kept  my          previous one

 3. I can negotiate with maids, and electricians and plumbers and ...

 4. I clean my own laundry, and then iron it.

 5. I can manage mornings without Mom having to bark out my name

 6. I can manage to fall ill without cribbing about it to parents.

 7. I can love my siblings better than when I was with them

 8. I can survive without Maggi and Ma.

 9. I can.

I am sure everybody else can do it too and not feel the need to write about it or feel extremely happy about it. Maybe because either they can’t write, or they don’t feel happy about it, or both (get the pun? No, ok!)

But yay I am happy, and yay that I am writing a happy blog after so long. And yay I have finally learnt to gather good people around me. And yay I have overcome the rotten past. And yay to awesome room-mates (You two make the dinner time a look forward to event) and yay to awesome team-mates (only few of them). Yay to Ola cabs (I wasn’t paid to advertise), and yay to my new company (It feels awesome to work for you AND crib about it to parents) and yay to an extreme satisfaction of finding a home away from home.

Since an year before

You don’t worry my dear Mama,

I’ll rise again,

From the fallen ashes,

I’ll spark again.

I’ll spark to make you proud,

I’ll spark to mend your wounds,

I’ll spark to be in your old age,

I’ll spark again from my ruins.

An year before, I was mentally several years younger and significantly more naive than the woman I am today (an oxymoron, but true). I was in love, a lot, and further put into mess by an emotionally weak heart. Or at least I thought that I was, and I ended up wounded, scarred, financially broke, pathetic and entirely heartbroken.

But haven’t we all atleast once in our life? Haven’t we all atleast once thought that this is the worse it can get, and I don’t know how to get through this extremely exhausting phase of life. Haven’t we all wondered then, that as if we are stuck in this mess since forever and for forever?

Love (arguably) means giving out your best to that love, layer by layer peeling open your cocoon to do so, just because you believe that “love interest” deserves the best. It is the most vulnerable situation you put yourself in. Scary, risky, unknown and unpredictable. And it’s not until we’re truly charred by it that we realize that it was the fragile heart that we risked.

But then why we find ourselves young, suddenly alone, and then in love again. Forgotten about the effort it required to be in that kind of love, the investment required to nurture it, and (forgive the MBA Terms) absolutely zero guaranteed returns. Maybe because, once there, we suddenly notice that vigorously thumping heart. Suddenly, we realize just how much alive that thumping can feel.

In this last year, I have been crazy in love, multiple times, with anything that I could hold onto to let go of the previous love (a vicious cycle). Sometimes romantically, sometimes passionately. And in love… not just with people, I have fallen in love with organizations, with ideas, sometimes with money, once with the idea of being the best daughter, and other times with fame.

And all of the above love(s), unarguably, turned into an ex. I remember that frenzy to attain that love, those tears on failing, that clutching my hair and crying in absolute desperation, to plan again for next move, to rehearse the dialogues, to finally giving up on one love and moving onto another.

In those months of darkness, when I supposed I was at my weakest, I rose stronger. Not to forget the people I clinched onto to make me strong, I had become an emotional fungus, depended emotionally on people other than family for sustenance. God bless them.

But today, suddenly I don’t regret falling and failing repeatedly in love. It taught me what it means to give all of you to somebody, or something, wholeheartedly. I learned how to try, fail, and try again with scratches on your heart.

I learned to appreciate confusion and desperation. Desperation brings out the best in people, makes them comfortable with themselves, their own thoughts. I learnt to appreciate silence, to spend time inside of my own head. I learned how to drink an entire bottle of wine by myself, and I learned how to put the glass of wine down.

I learned how to live my life without regrets, just let everything be on the table of past, and accept that it will be there forever, like some shining old antique. I have learned how to fall graciously after a leap of faith goes wrong.

I might have been given nothing but darkness to start with, But now I realize I was given an opportunity to be a better, stronger person. I was given the opportunity to make myself worthwhile to those who matter to me, I was given a chance to realize what actually mattered to me. I was given the opportunity to mend my own heart back together.

And now I know that life happens, Disappointments burn you, put your world to darkness, but you keep lighting matches anyway. And you got to find the parts of you to put back together from those ashes, and you got to move on and give yourself a second chance, with a heart that is stronger than before.

The Reality ate into Dreams.

The days went past in a crazy frenzy,
and yet they were the longest in ever.
The heart while shone in eternal happiness,
the mind was left alone to wander.
The wandering mind looked for console,
But there was only some to find.
The restless mind turned into a savage,
And gulped down what shone through the heart.
The mind now a filled beast
has left the heart crying forever.
The heart has nowhere to go, 
But who cares, its only the heart.
It will find its toys and play with them
all the while wondering if the shine would return.
The heart while would live on eternal hope,
The mind would find ways to sleep.
And so shall remain a soul sad forever
Cos he has neither the full heart nor an active mind to keep. 

Because Fiction is a fragment from Reality

Once upon a time

Alice left me in the wonderland

I shall never forget

Dreams can come true

There is no way that

Fairy tales are deceiving and disappointing

I am sure that Reality

Is only a hiding place from Fantasy

I remember the days when I was giving interviews and GD's for admission into an MBA college. And then there was this question, almost always "What are your hobbies?". And invariably, I use to answer "Reading Fiction and writing."

And the counter question, almost always was, what kind of fiction. That's where my eyes use to look away and name great authors like Sydney Sheldon, Classics like Gone with the wind, some exotics like The Princess of Sultana etc. But never, never J.K.Rowling, or her book series of the famous Harry Potter!

It was after I got selected into a B-School, during the ragging days, that this question was once more raised by a lady senior. And as always I named every novel except my beloved.

That senior was a rude one, she was ragging me in the true sense (she belonged to the infamous placecom!). I was taken aback when unimpressed with my long and impressive list of reads, she asked me "You read ficiton and you haven't ever read Harry Potter?"

I fumbled, answered in a low voice "Ye.. Yes Mam I have". She asked in a rough voice "Too ashamed to name that eh?"

Me: "No Mam, just that it is a sort of fairy tale, not to be counted among the list of impressive reads."

She scoffed at my answer, and then, there, in front of almost 100 students shouted "This college deserves people who even if watch porn, declare it proudly. And here we have got a sweetheart who read a book, and is ashamed to announce it!" Then she said to me "Madam, if you know, Harry potter is among 10 most sold books in the world, probably next to Bible. J.K. Rowling is the only author who is a millionaire cos of her writing. Even if it is a Fairy Tale, I'd respect it for the Ways of Life it taught me!"

It was when she was gone, after I overcame the shock of humiliation, in the dark that I realized her words were true!

And true not just for Harry Potter, but for every kind of Fairy Tale that exists. Remember how Dumbledore repeatedly emphasized on the power of love, and now I realized that "The Love" that protected Harry from evil Voldemort is similar to the protection that our parents give us from the world, the power of their love. Remember how Harry and Neville Lonbottom had similar fates, but Harry was chosen because of his actions? Isn't it very similar to the saying "One's Destiny is made from his choices and not from his chances."?

Do you not realize how Rapunzel met his Prince Charming because she dared to follow her dreams. How Cinderella always got help when she needed it the most, which is similar to the saying "God helps those who need it the most."!

Oh how the strength of Scarlet'O Hara gives strength to me as a lady, that when she can fight yankees, run a business, manage 3 children and still be beautiful, then why can't I?

Just saying that one should never discard fairy tales as just stupid gibberish tales. There are always great learning in them, which when imbibed into a child give him strength of character and honesty. Not to forget what a great method they are to imbibe reading habit into children.

Atleast I am thankful to my Mom for reading them to me. :)

Hold on your breath oh Universe! Change ahead...

I just got an email from a site, which allows you to write emails to the future you.

In that, I had written a lot of things that I was insecure about 2 years back, when it was my first day in the college. And I was surprised because all of those insecurities have come true. I am wondering if this is an extreme case of intuition gone right, or a case of presumptions beliefs and insecurities that you surround yourself creating a cloud of doubt and suspicion inside you to ruin you to the core, to the extent that your efforts seem dented and half-hearted.

In a book called Harry potter, I remember reading “Harry, never forget that what the prophecy said was only significant because Lord Voldemort made it so.” I can relate to it so much right now. It’s as if I had prophesized for myself, that these adversities will happen, and it’s as if I started acting on that same belief (that they will happen), and that belief ate up all my efforts, restricted my imagination of how not to let the Prophecy come true.

Similar to this, and from a totally unrelated sector, somebody recently told me how whatever you declare to the universe, comes true because universe conspires to make it happen. It’s as if I declared that I would fail, in relationships, in friendship, career-wise, and that insecurity made it happen.

I don’t know if you are able to relate to what I am saying, but I’ll end up on something that you might understand.

Take my advice, and don’t restrict yourself to the boundaries that a certain fear, an inferiority complex creates around you. Declare to the universe what you want, and if not the universe strives to make it happen, that declaration will atleast help you make it happen, to put in whole hearted efforts into that declaration. Pessimism has worked fine for me in the past; I always took the worst case scenario and strived to convert into the best case. But Pessimism could only bring me this far, now it has turned back onto me to leave me with “I am being victimized” attitude. Now it’s time for optimism, hope, passion and determination. I am not telling you to go into the war without a fall-back option, but I think fall-back options only keep you from making full efforts.

How I now wish I hadn’t thought of these adversities, then I wouldn’t have feared them, and I would have lived as a free bird, striving, taking each day as it comes. But I guess it’s never late to start with good habits…